hate is a strong word. but what if you feel a strong feeling?

what makes a relationship successful?

search me. I guess a good relationship with yourself, maybe?

I'm unhappy. I'M UNHAPPY. There, I said it.

I hate this. I hate everything. Everything is terrible and I'm at the heart of it. I hate myself. I hate myself and hate everyone who likes me because they're stupid.


I want to be unhappy. I get you're having a hard time. I'm here to support you. blah blah. but I'm not allowed to have a hard time because I'm not you?

I don't like you. I don't like you at all. You're not letting me be miserable so I'll be miserable all over you. I want sympathy. I want attention. Are we just in this for the sex?

I don't care who reads this. I don't care who I am. I don't care what I project. I want to drive to the beach but I'm afraid I'll try to kill myself on some stupid canyon road. It's too much of a temptation.

You don't know who I am because I don't know who I am.

I want to leave you because I want to be alone. I want to be by myself. Not because I hate you. Because I do. I hate everything about you right now and I don't care.

i feel like im not allowed to be unhappy.

the end

I want to die.

If I could just close my eyes and float away and never come back? That would be ideal. Just escape the 'mortal coil', and all that. Life is too confusing, with its tangled web of feelings and duties that stretch you thin like gum. 

I haven't felt this way in a long time and it happens when I begin to lose hope. When moving forward doesn't seem to be taking me anywhere pleasant. There's just so much work to be done, and still there's no guarantee, you have no idea where anywhere will lead. My feet feel stuck in the mud. 

I'm not in a good place and I'm tired of having to feel like I am. To continue a life scrabbling in the dirt is so tiring to me. I suppose I'm lazy. I'm not sure. I just don't know if what I'm doing is paying off at all. I want out. 

and I want out quickly, too. I don't look forward to pain or agony; just another light that blips out. 

Glitz

I wonder if this is all, if all that glamour is real. I want the pool parties and fancy cars and Cali sun and nightclubs and lookin good. Being a model, a famous actress, the pictures, the identification, the expensive sunglasses.

Is this all attainable? Do I want this? They never show the 55mins of hard work before the 5mins of fame. I just want to look good and for people to think I look good and not have to feel embarrassed or out of place.

Jogging

I'm not sure what I want to write about. I'm on my phone. And I hate typing on the screen. But not as much as I hate blowing out my elbows, typing sprawled out in front of the screen. I'm not much of a desk person, it seems. Or I just don't like my desk. Probably the latter.

I told my boss I'm looking to quit. I feel guilty for even wanting to quit but I can't stand much more of it. Part of me just hates it. Hate it. It's a strong word? Well IT'S A STRONG EMOTION.

Fuck, my elbows really hurt right now. Note to self: try to use desk?

Anyways it's time for a change. Shake it up. Pick up the pace.